Updated: May 28
There are flaws in all of us but some have flaws that define them as adults
That defining moment when you know that someone did not do everything they could to keep you.
So then I'm thinking what's wrong with me? Such a long journey of discovering, yet not discovering. There have always been threads of pain and fear flowing through every fibre of my being, from as early as I can recall I have always been on edge. Always trying to deal with the pain of being abandoned, unwanted and rejected. The fear of never feeling part of anything, always the odd one out. Never really knowing who I am or was or should be.
My fundamental flaw began when the decision was taken to give me away, give up on keeping me, and put me in the orphanage to wait until someone came along who wanted me. That intrinsic moment when it was decided that I was surplus to requirements, too much to manage. That moment has left me fundamentally flawed leaking pain and fear wherever I go. Leaking pain and fear into every relationship, every employment. Never being able to be in a place where I can say I'm stable, safe and secure. Age brings a level of security.
Relationships bring a sense of alignment with someone but not connection. Connection is something that has always evaded me; that elusive feeling that I hear other people talking about but never really feeling that true connection myself.
Everything can become a catastrophe quickly. My husband is late home, he's been killed in an accident for sure. The school calls I see their number and think something awful has happened to my child. She sleeps very late and I'm immediately thinking that she has died in her sleep. Connection always being severed most harshly. I am always waiting for the bad news that will tear any semblance of some slight connection I have made out of my grasp.
Will this ever get better? Is there a cure for the trauma that being adopted can inflict on a person's mental health? Is everyone affected that has been adopted? No, I have spoken to many fairly well adjusted adopted people of different ages who don't seem to have the same difficulties that I have. My aim going forward is to stay linked to Adoption UK and #adoptionchatter to bring something to the table within both of these groups to help other adoptees and adopters to gain insight into themselves and their children.